WRITTEN BY SOUKOJI AND JIBUNNOHANA
01 - 02 - 03
Hitsugi found himself back on Ruka’s doorstep about 30 minutes later, shuffling uncomfortably as he stared down the mutant bell. Not that it would do him any good staring at an inanimate object, but somehow he could barely bring himself to ring it. It seemed like déja vu, and that he was walking into something that scared him and excited him at the same time. The guitarist shivered as a breeze of cold air struck his body and ultimately forced him to make a decision. Freeze to death in indecision or be warm and figure everything out. Sighing, Hitsugi pressed the button, hearing the faint ding from inside. Ruka had been waiting on the couch, this time managing to stay awake. The moment the doorbell rang he was on his feet, opening the door with a puff of smoke from his half-used cigarette.
"Hey, come in." Standing to the side, the drummer pulled open the door just enough to let Hitsugi in, keeping it as closed as possible to fend off the cold.
“Thanks.” The guitarist replied with a nod of his head, shuffling inside as quickly as possible while trying to avoid Ruka’s gaze. Casting off his coat, he felt like this was going to be a repeat of earlier that evening. It was quite possible that he was making a mistake, but it was much too late now to go back, no matter how badly the fear was starting to build up within him. The younger man looked around the apartment. Nothing had changed since he left; it didn’t even seem as if Ruka had moved from the couch, save to let him in the door. The room did reek more of smoke, however, so it was obvious what the drummer had been doing for the past hour or so. Hitsugi moved cautiously to sit down on the couch, drawing both legs up, wondering how to handle whatever happened next.
Returning to the couch, Ruka sat back in his usual spot, watching Hitsugi out of the corner of his eye. The drummer obviously hadn't planned further than asking Hitsugi to come back, and he honestly hadn't expected it to have been so easy. "...Want a smoke?"
“Sure,” Hitsugi replied, looking down at his hands. For some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to look at the drummer, as if just meeting Ruka’s gaze would lure him in, afraid to face the fact that he might, in fact, really like the other man as more then a friend. He was behaving childishly and he knew it, but somehow he couldn’t force himself to act like an adult. This was the one thing that Hitsugi had the least experience with and he was fearful of relationships that spanned past a friendship. On the seat next to him, Ruka took another cigarette out of the pack and handed it to Hitsugi, though he kept the lighter in his hand. Once the guitarist had between his lips, the drummer flicked open the lighter and reached over to ignite it for him, regardless of whether the other was comfortable with the gesture or not.
Hitsugi let Ruka light his cigarette, muttering a quiet thanks, and took a deep drag, letting the smoke calm him. He finally said after a few moments too long of silence, “I’m sorry I ran out earlier... I shouldn’t have.”
"No problem," Ruka replied with a shrug. "I guess I was kinda forward, eh?" Not exactly how he envisioned starting the evening, but the drummer was beginning to formulate a plan. Whether or not it would work or make things worse remained to be seen.
“Just a little. We need to discuss this though, in all seriousness. I don’t like how weird things are, so...I think the best thing we can do is to talk about it.” He was going against everything Sakito had suggested, but Hitsugi had the instinct to go about the problem his own way. Mustering up his courage, he looked up, finally taking in the drummer’s familiar visage, finding him as calm and collected as he had been before the kissing incident. A little disturbing to the guitarist, who was still visibly affected.
"Well, you already know why, what more do you want?" Ruka chuckled faintly, not knowing what else to say. "You're the one that needs to do some deciding."
“No, you’ve really told me the minimum amount of what you could,” the guitarist replied, ignoring the truth behind Ruka’s statement. “I don’t know what you want me to say anyway, I’m more confused then anything.”
"Yeah, you're probably right," Ruka agreed easily, blowing out a puff of smoke. Perhaps this would be easier than he thought, if Hitsugi was this willing to jump right into the conversation. "Where do you want to start?"
“You’re the one that needs to do the talking. I’m not the one who kissed you, so you get to do the talking and then I get my turn,” Hitsugi replied simply with a roll of his eyes, not ready to let the drummer get out of explaining himself so easily. The guitarist took another drag from his cigarette, exhaling smoke rings toward the ceiling. He wasn’t sure if the obstinate drummer would talk regardless of his request.
Avoiding going into further details, of course, the drummer decided to try catching Hitsugi off guard. "You know...I could help you figure things out...."
“How could you do that?” Hitsugi asked, raising a brow. If anything, it would probably make his confusion worse. Sighing, the guitarist chewed at his piercings. Slowly, almost as if he was trying not to spook the shorter man, Ruka leaned sideways, sliding an arm around the guitarist’s shoulders until he could curl his fingers around his arm.
"Well...I have a few ideas..." the drummer replied in a musing tone, and before Hitsugi could protest he had locked their lips together in one fluid movement.
While his initial reaction was that of utter shock, Hitsugi didn’t have a mental meltdown this time. Instead, the guitarist found himself instinctively returning the kiss, not with the same passion that the drummer was, but still more then he would have expected. Kissing Ruka wasn’t so bad - the light touch of the drummer’s lips brought a pleasant tingling about instead of fear this time, calming him and allowing Hitsugi to relax into the drummer’s embrace. Ruka tasted like cigarettes, intoxicating and causing indescribable shivers under his skin. Smiling inwardly at the positive reaction he received from the guitarist, it still wasn’t exactly what Ruka wanted. Hitsugi was obviously still not entirely willing to submit to his affections and the drummer aimed to change that. Taking advantage Hitsugi's relaxed state, he pulled him a bit closer, teasing his tongue between the guitarist’s lips briefly.
Hitsugi moved with Ruka’s pull, sliding closer to the drummer so they weren’t sitting so awkwardly. He felt Ruka’s tongue slip past his lips, but it was gone before he could react to it. Hitsugi closed his eyes, hoping to find the answers he sought with action rather than thought. When he didn't try to escape or pull away, the drummer let his tongue do as it pleased, taking the time to explore the other's mouth thoroughly before going back to gentler kisses. Eventually, he pulled back, only to renew his attention at Hitsugi’s neck. Ruka had just discovered on of the most sensitive parts of his body, the slight touch of the drummer’s lips caused a pleased yelp to escape the guitarist, twitching slightly at the sensation fluttering through his nerves. It wasn’t a negative feeling - quite the contrary, actually - as it was driving itself directly down and straight to his groin. Hitsugi's yelp was all the drummer needed to continue, grazing his teeth lightly against the soft skin while his mouth trailed down to the collar of the guitarist's T-shirt. Frowning, Ruka removed his hand from the other’s back to tug down the fabric blocking his path, attacking the newly exposed collar bone.
The guitarist took a brief moment to coil his gingerly around the drummer, already aroused by the new thrills Ruka was giving him, though it was the last thing he had expected to come of the meeting. It wasn’t long before he could feel an uncomfortable pressure against his pants, the fabric continuing to tighten around his restricted arousal. Hitsugi wasn’t sure if Ruka had noticed this yet, but he was sure that the drummer would very shortly. Embarrassing, yet also foreign and exciting; he’d never found pleasure with a man before. Hitsugi was a little frightened to think of what the next step to equation would be, unprepared and lacking previous experience. Ruka pulled back and gave him a feral grin, quite aware of Hitsugi's reaction to his attentions. Himself, the drummer had been waiting for this moment for a long time, triumphant now that his long stalked prey was finally captured. Moving his hands down, Ruka made sure to brush past the guitarist's arousal as he reached for the hem of his shirt, pushing it up in an attempt to undress him and pick up the pace. A little gasp escaped from the younger man, but he remained relatively silent, chewing absently at his piercing. He uncurled his arms from around the other’s neck, allowing Ruka to pull off his shirt with little resistance. Kicking himself for not asking Sakito what he was supposed to do if sex ever came up, Hitsugi was unsure of how to proceed.
With the first obstacle out of the way, Ruka resumed his exploration of the guitarist's upper body, nibbling along his collar bone and teasing long fingers across his ribcage. After a few minutes of this, the drummer grew bored and his hands found their way down to Hitsugi's belt, expertly and quickly unclipping the buckle before moving on to the top button of his pants. Easy as pie, he though to himself, pleased with the pending results of his plan. Once they were finished, Ruka was positive he would have the object of his affection in the palm of his hand, no matter how confused Hitsugi was before. Any tiny misgivings Ruka might have had about manipulating the guitarist like this were tossed out the window when the nervous Hitsugi replaced his arms on the drummer's shoulders, taking it as a sign that he was completely willing. For a moment, Ruka stopped to capture his lips again, but mere seconds later his hands were back to their original task, undoing Hitsugi's pants and reaching down to circle his fingers around the other's erection.
The simple touch was enough to awaken the dormant beast within the guitarist, out of lack of stimulation after so many lonely years, or maybe he had more of an aggressive streak in him then he realized. Whichever it might have been, it was the driving force behind Hitsugi suddenly becoming an active player in their experiment. The guitarist pressed a bold kiss to the other’s lips, slipping his arms downwards and allowing his hands to explore Ruka’s muscular body.
With a playful growl, Ruka pushed Hitsugi back onto the couch, pausing to pull off his own shirt before leaning over him, planting a feverish kiss against the guitarist's lips, completely devouring his mouth. He was beginning to get desperate to speed up, but the drummer also didn't want to push Hitsugi too far - he wasn't that insensitive. For the moment, he stuck to kissing the man beneath him and stroking his arousal slowly with one hand, while Hitsugi met his kisses, nipping at his lips just as roughly as Ruka delivered them, and focused on tugging Ruka’s tight jeans down his hips. Once he succeeded, the guitarist hesitated for a moment, staring into Ruka’s eyes as the realization struck him - there wouldn’t be any turning back now, mistake or not. With a few blinks to clear his mind, the guitarist refocused on the situation instead of the worries still pounding on the back of his head. He took Ruka’s own erection in hand, mimicking what he would normally do to pleasure himself, the most logical action to take.
Groaning, Ruka broke the kiss and pressed into Hitsugi's touch, very close to loosing whatever small resolve he had to slow down. Like the guitarist thought, they were well past the point of stopping, and the drummer was currently very happy Hitsugi hadn't decided to push him away, particularly when he sped up his strokes. With another growl, the drummer worked on removing Hitsugi's pants with both hands, a difficult task considering their position, but he was determined to get them off right now. Of course, by now he had completely forgotten to consider Hitsugi's feelings on the idea, but that was unlikely to stop him now regardless.
Hitsugi was well aware of the progress of their actions and what was coming next, and he did nothing to stop the other. He was still a bit concerned, but more so over how badly this was going to hurt now then anything else, merely hoping that Ruka would be as gentle as was possible for him. Without Ruka’s lips to block him, Hitsugi started to nibble at his piercings once more, uncertainty of inexperience and fear swirling around inside his mind.
Pulling off the guitarist's pants, Ruka tossed them aside and partially got up to remove his own, adding them to the small pile of clothes on the floor a moment later. Turning back to Hitsugi, the drummer leaned over him, nipping at the mouth piercings with his teeth while running one hand down the other's thigh. The guitarist shuttered at the touch, and allowed a small gasp to escape his otherwise silent form. “Satoru...” He whispered, a hint of seriousness in his tone, hoping that it would alert the other to his words. “I... Please just be gentle, ok?”
Ruka merely grunted in reply as he settled between the guitarist's legs, still playing with his piercings, in the hopes that it would distract Hitsugi at least a little. The drummer wasn't completely heartless, but he also wasn't about to stop now to find appropriate lube. He used one hand to guide himself into Hitsugi, pushing his hips forward much more slowly than he would have liked out of consideration for the other, though his thoughtfulness was unlikely to last very long. Under him, Hitsugi felt like he was going to die. His mouth gaped open, nothing escaping despite the urge to scream. Although Ruka was going slowly, it was of little use due to the lack of preparation. If anything it actually dragged out the initial burning pain longer. Clinging tightly to the drummer, his nails dug lightly against the flesh of the other’s back in some attempt to counteract the pain. Ruka winced, but it wasn't enough to stop him when his whole body was tingling with pleasure and every other thought was quickly pushed out of his mind. Pulling back briefly, the drummer paused before quickening his pace, unable to hold back any longer. He could only hope Hitsugi wouldn't hate him for it later, but for the time being Ruka wasn't concerned with anything but taking care of his own needs.
To Hitsugi, it felt like an eternity after Ruka had sped up before the pain finally dithered and the drummer had struck his prostate enough to surge Hitsugi’s body with ecstasy to drown out any agony that lingered, though he still remained rather mute, only hushed gasps slipping every once and awhile when a particular wave of blissful pleasure would surge him. The drummer's low groans and moans made up for Hitsugi's lack of vocalization, with a thin layer of sweat beginning to coat his skin. With a few more shuddering thrusts Ruka reached his climax, releasing one last deep groan before collapsing on top of the man underneath him, leaving the guitarist completely unsatisfied. The other had finished too quickly, offering Hitsugi no chance to reach his own climax after having barely recovered from such a rough start. A nasty sting laced through his heart; Sakito’s words replayed in his mind and he bit his lip, resisting the urge to cry. The unsettling feeling too hold and he shifted uncomfortably under the other’s weight as if trying to silently convey the message to Ruka.
The drummer was quite ready to take a nap right were he was, but the Hitsgui’s prodding brought him back to reality. He lifted his head and squinted at the other with a quizzical look, wondering why he suddenly looked so upset. "Eh?" he grunted, shifting so that he was only partially on top of Hitsugi, though that was difficult on the narrow couch. "You okay?"
“I... I can’t believe you,” Hitsugi muttered, shaking his head while staring back at the confused drummer. His desire to finish had died with his utter disappointment in the other and he refused to ask any favors after what had just happened to get pleasure for himself, especially since it seemed obvious that Ruka didn’t love him at all, that was just there for the drummer’s own pleasure. Hitsugi frowned, greatly frustrated at himself for being so blind to the truth in Sakito’s words, which now shown so clearly in front of him.
Ruka blinked slowly in confusion, wondering what had gone wrong. Had it really hurt that much to get Hitsugi mad at him? The progress he thought they were making evidently was a figment of his imagination, judging from the guitarist's expression. "Er...what?"
“You...don’t even care do you?” Hitsugi asked him, tears welling up in his eyes that he blinked back, determined not to cry in front of the drummer. Wiggling his way out from under the drummer, he sat up causing him to wince and pause, anger building up on top of the other mess of emtions. He stood, partially to relieve the pain, retrieving his pants and putting them back on to cover his unsatisfied arousal. “I get it. This is just sex, that’s it. You just wanted me in bed. So you win, ok?”
"Well duh, that was sex. What are you getting at?" Ruka was clueless as to why the other was this upset, especially since they weren’t exactly lovers. The entire time he had been under the impression that, while he was willing to get into a relationship with Hitsugi, the guitarist was really just experimenting. Had he changed his mind so quickly without mentioning it? "So...wait...you actually do have feelings for me now?"
“Why the hell else do you think I’d have come back and let you fuck me?!” the guitarist barked, pulling on his shirt and pacing the room while his emotions shifted violently back and forth. “Do I look like someone who would just casually have sex with my best friend?”
"Hey, I thought were just trying it out. I'm not the one miscommunicating here," Ruka grumbled, thinking the guitarist was blowing things way out of proportion. Reaching for his pack of cigarettes, the drummer sat up and pulled one out, not bothering to get dressed.
“How can you say ‘we’ when all you did was take care of yourself and completely disregarded my feelings and my pleasure while ‘we’ were ‘trying it out’ ?” Hitsugi argued, finding more and more fault with the drummer’s disregard over the subject with each passing second.
"Well, you weren't exactly being very forthcoming. Not to mention that you never said anything about this meaning something." Ruka's mood was turning steadily sour. This wasn't how he envisioned the evening to play out and the drummer didn't take well to disappointment.
“How could you think it wasn’t going to mean something?” Hitsugi shook his head, ceasing his pacing to stare back at the other man. “Satoru, I haven’t been in a relationship for six years now and you’re going to honestly tell me that you think I’d just come in here and let you fuck me and that it was just something that was meaningless? You know me. You know I’m not into casual shit. So how can you use that as an excuse?”
Sighing, Ruka exhaled a puff of smoke and tossed the lighter he had been holding back on the table. The first twinge of a headache made him frown unpleasantly, wishing Hitsugi would stop taking things out of context. "Wasn't the original question here whether you would go out with me or not? Why don't you just make up your mind and stop dithering over this tangential crap."
“Well, it would help if you had actually asked instead of kissing me and ignoring me when I asked you what the hell you were doing earlier. Besides, why would I even say yes after tha?” Hitsugi snapped, anger growing tenfold from the other’s nonchalant attitude over the whole thing. “You take care of yourself and leave me out in the dirt. Why the hell would that make me want to go out with you?”
"...Forget it," the drummer grumbled after a pause, tired of arguing when it was obvious neither was going to talk sensibly. Standing, Ruka took his pack of cigarettes and walked toward the hall, leaving his clothes where they were on the floor. "I have a headache. We'll talk about this tomorrow."
Hitsugi opened his mouth to argue his point, but fell silent. He frowned, the current fury and hurt in him flooding out any logical thought process. “Fine.”
Gathering his coat, the guitarist bundled back up and exited Ruka’s apartment, slamming the door on the way out so the other would know he’d left. Muttering to himself, Hitsugi knew he only had one place to go tonight - Sakito’s. God forbid his friend had probably seen enough of him today to last a lifetime, but he had to talk to him. Though this time he’d knock first.